ill just start from the beginning, my dad left when my mom got pregnant with my little sister, six years ago. i was 10. he wasnt home much, at all. he’d be here for a day or two then leave again, whenever he was here, he’d hit me. he’d abuse me. just me, not my older brother or older sister. only me. he told me i was worthless, i didnt mean shit to him. i was a mistake. i wont make it anywhere. i dont belong here. he told me he hated me. ever since he left, my moms been drinking nonstop. only when she had to work she wouldnt drink, and she didnt drink when she was pregnant with my sister. after she was born, she literally was drunk all the time. my moms never sober, i cant talk to her about anything. my brother & sister basically raise my little sister because my moms drunk/passed out all the time. she passed out on the kitchen floor yesterday. yup. this past summer, i met up with my dad again. he sent me & my siblings out there to meet him again, because he was “sorry” for everything. when we were there, he was the same. he didnt change at all. hes a fucking dick and i hate him. hes honestly the only person i hate. i never want to see him again. something else happened too, before he left. i had another older sister, zoe. she was babysitting my other sister and my brother one night when my mom was out. we wanted to play a game with zoe, and i told my siblings id go get her. i walked upstairs after calling her name 40958094 times, and when i walked upstairs i was pissed because she didnt hear me because her music was playing loudly, i burst open the door and zoe hung herself. in her closet. i found my oldest sister, dead. she had the radio on so we wouldnt hear what was happening. i bawled. she was just hanging there by a jump rope. ashudgo. my brother called 911 and when they came, she was already gone. for good. we all hugged her one last time before she was gone for good. my little sister never met zoe. she was honestly such an amazing sister, you dont even know. she always cared and always played with me when i didnt have anyone else to hang with. she left a suicide note, that i still have. she said she couldnt handle the anxiety, depression, and everything she was going through. she always seemed happy to us, we didn’t know. i miss her a whole fucking lot. my brother & other sister are never home, so im always stuck here babysitting, and i’m honestly so fucked up emotionally. you really don’t know. in 7th grade, i started cutting myself. i was so depressed. i didn’t talk to people, i failed three classes, i cut myself everyday. it started out small, and went bigger and deeper. i’ve been in the hospital for it. four times, twice this year, once in 8th grade, and once in freshman year. i used to smoke weed, but i stopped. i stopped cutting, but i started scratching myself until i bleed, i stopped that, and i started cutting again. i started smoking again, too. its the only thing that mellos me out. i can’t stop. this year, my bestfriend killed herself. her boyfriend abused her, she was depressed, she had no way out. so she said. shes been my bestfriend since i was two. she lived next door to me. i have horrible anxiety, i get panic attacks all the time. i literally lay there, and i can’t breathe. i’ve done hard drugs. i started to drink, but i stopped because i don’t want to be like my mom. i can’t wait until i can leave this shit hole. i haven’t been happy since, i don’t even fucking know. & i don’t really tell people this stuff, so. yeah. anyway, tonight. my mom hit my little sister, i flipped a fucking tit on her. i screamed at her, and she pushed me into a doorknob, and punched me in the face, she was yelling at me and my little sister, and im making my little sister sleep in my room tonight, because my moms fucking physco. i can’t drive yet, so i had no where to go and she was threatening me if i left. i cut myself again tonight, because i don’t know any other way to cope. i can’t deal with shit like this. i’m fucked up. i’ve tried to kill myself twice. but that was stupid of me because i need to be here for my little sister, she needs me. and if i’m not here for her, my mom will move onto her and treat her how she treated me, it’s not okay. i hate myself at times, but i have to do what i have to do. i was on the phone with my friend, and she kept asking me what was wrong, and i said im just tired. that’s all i ever say. because no one actually cares. yaknow?
but yeah. theres my life story for ya. no go ahead and tell me how fucked up i am, or how you can’t deal with all of this just like everyone else does.

· #personal